Suggested reading music: “Drowning” by Banks
Sometimes I’m diving into the deep end and I’m drowning. Pulse quickens. Mind races. Body tenses. Mood tanks. Throughout the month, or occasionally within the same day, this drowning feeling comes in waves. Putting aside the water analogies, it’s basically a mix of uncertainty, sadness and anxiety.
I’m fairly hard on myself, depending on the situation. Always have been. But the true test is how a person comes out of a situation. I am always determined to learn from my experiences. What’s the point of bad experiences if we can’t find a silver lining? We could end up being depressives with no purpose in life but to merely exist in a stagnant state of being. When something knocks me down, you better believe I’ll find a way to come out on top.
Besides being affected by my own actions, I’m affected by those in, and even out, of my life. The people that become ghosts are the worst culprits. They’re the ones that drift away without any warning. Sometimes I get lucky, and they don’t really mean much to me. Sometimes the timing is at the cusp of me becoming attached to having them around. I overwhelm myself with “what ifs” and “whys.” Applies for any type of relationship.
The worst instance is when something is unresolved. That limbo stage makes me uneasy, no matter how “breezy” I try to act. It’s a whirlpool that I burden myself with. I’m still learning how to let go of things that aren’t worth fussing over, and keeping my head above water is a daily goal. It’s a process.