I’m A Victim Of My Own Mind

mind

I’m an over-thinker. I over analyze people’s words and actions. I get lost in my own thoughts trying to formulate the “perfect” thing to say. Tricks on me. I’m lucky if my brain allows me to form any kind of proper sentence to express the cycle of thoughts in my mind.

It makes me anxious. Sometimes shy. And then I victimize myself with criticism that’s not always constructive. I shake my head. Most of my nights in bed, when I stay up too late rather than sleep, consist of thinking…thinking…thinking…thinking, and feeling everything. All of the bad and all of the good. I’m a positive person, but with a melancholic flair and hint of Atelophobia (fear of not being good enough).

The photo above has a portion of a quote by James Dean. It says, “Live as if you’ll die today.” This is a theme that threads together many of my blog posts because personally I’m in the process of being more honest, speaking my mind, opening more doors, creating new opportunities, etc. I value sayings such as “seize the moment,” or like Nicole in the movie Boyhood said, “the moment seizes us.”

A lesson I’ve learned from my most recent late night thinking is that in order for me to live more freely and happily, I must loosen my grip on the idea that I’ll be able to manipulate things that are out of my control. Life doesn’t work that way. Yes, having a plan A, B and C may always be in my nature, but I’m going to practice the act of going with the flow. A few exciting experiences are taking off in my life right now and I want to enjoy them as much as I can. Trying to clean up before the party even starts is no way to live life.

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